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If you’ve been keeping up with my weekly videos, you’ve been getting a LOT of information that you can bring into your life. Brace yourself, this is just the beginning!! Today, in Relationships & Sex, we’ll talk about Dating Deal Breakers. I’m taking your questions, and below are all the ways to reach me.
Stay tuned for this week’s Fan shout out, and…. let’s get started!!!
I’ll share 10 deal breakers with you today, but I have a bag full of things NOT to do dates, so I’ll make a part 2 very soon.
Off the bat it must be said: Cheating, substance abuse problems, and talking about past cheating and substance abuse are no-brainers. After you get to know that person better and that person gets to know YOU a little better, you can open up about the past if there things that absolutely should be mentioned. As long as they don’t endanger the life of the person you’re with, it’s best to open up about dark matters after you’ve known each other a little better.
Another deal breaker that shouldn’t even be mentioned but it will be anyway, is chewing anything out loud. That needs to not happen. YEARS ago I went out on a date with a guy who was eating his food like this (chowing).
What is THAT? STOP IT!!!
The 1st deal breaker on the list today, is going on a date with expectations. I hope he’ll be like this, or I hope she’ll like That. Or, you Googled him and saw his Facebook profile and Twitter and LinkedIn, and now you're going into the date expecting certain things. Don’t go in expecting anything, or you’ll be constantly disappointed. Go into first dates with no expectations. Leave yourself open to making the best, most educated decision once you are there and from that point on, you can consciously decide if you want to see that person again or not. You don’t want to miss anything from the other person that you might LOVE, because off the bat he/she doesn’t have something you expected to “like”.
Now, there is an important line to keep in mind here and I will do a private workshop in the future for the subscribers of my site, where I’ll help you cut through the clutter, and identify the things that are most important to you in the other person, and in a relationship. I’ve done this a lot, and almost every time, the folks I walk through this process, are AWAKENED! No wonder they were dating all the wrong people. BUT, to give you a high level overview, what -I- did, was to not go on first dates with silly expectations. I did however, have in my mind the 5 things that are absolute deal breakers for me. With them in the back of my head, I had questions already prepared that were not probing, that wouldn’t make the other person seem like they’re being interrogated, that would be asked at the right time, but which helped me get some answers on the big stuff, that really mattered to me. And depending on those answers, I would then decide if I wanted to see that person again or not. In my opinion, it is important to get some of these off the plate immediately, before getting too attached, and perhaps disappointed later on. If you’re subscribed to my site at AlexandraPotora.com this workshop will be available for you soon.
#2 dating deal breaker: Making it too much about you. Dates are times shared and they’re about LISTENING. People LOVE talking about themselves and they WILL tell you almost ANYTHING you need to know, and decide if you want to continue seeing that person. Talking about what I’m doing, what I like, where I go, what I do for fun, what My goals are, is a TURN OFF. Try to approach dates as logically as you can, and focus on sharing the time.
Another dating deal breaker is flirting with other people. There is this vigorous appetite in all of us, to be desirable to our partners. We WANT the person we’re dating to KNOW that we are beautiful, or funny, interesting or sexy – whatever it is that you want the other person to see. And the easy way to do it, is by engaging flirtatiously with other people. If he or she sees that others find me interesting, they will find me interesting. Don’t do it! It’s distasteful and actually shows insecurity. If you KNOW what you are, you won’t NEED to flaunt it. If the other person is smart enough, they’ll see that. If not, you got your answer.
#4. Getting distracted while the other person is talking. In one of the career and money videos I made about how to close sales, I talk about how CRUCIAL it is to make and KEEP eye contact. This is something that seems so basic, but if you don’t consciously practice it, I guarantee you that your eyes are wondering at times without you even realizing it. The link to the video is below, and it’s important to watch it, because dates, are essentially sales. We are selling ourselves and who we are, to the other person, so you need to know the tricks to successful sales. Make it a point to condition yourself to ALWAYS look the other person in the eyes, and not get distracted by pretty lights, short skirts walking by or beautiful people.
#5. Baby talk. This “movement” started a long time ago, which makes us think that talking in a really squeaky voice is cute or sexy. It’s not! It shows you’re a child. And unless you’re a pervert, you don’t want to date a child. You want to date somebody mature. Because emotional maturity is sexy. Being your authentic YOU is priceless and it will save you time from dating the wrong person for yourself.
In line with that, is deal breaker #6 – Pretending to like, be, have and do something other than what YOU like, have or do; or Embellishing the truth. Being “somebody” you think the person at the other end of the table would like, will only be a disservice to YOURSELF, because you’ll only attract people that think they like you for one reason or another that’s not the truth. And when the truth comes out (and it always does), you risk a break up and heartache. Honesty is key. Be YOU!
Another dating deal breaker is publicly neglecting your date. Say that you run into a friend, and you start catching up… I want him to see that have a life, and friends, and I’m super cool, so I’m going to engage in stories from last month with my friend. Meanwhile your date is just sitting there… I’ve done it too, and it’s SO RUDE!
Deal breaker #8 – Over texting or calling. Hey, how do you feel about going to the movies tonight? — How about 7:30? —Hey, I texted you about tonight, did you get it? — is everything ok? Are you alright? — Who here has done that?
When the person on the receiving end is not getting back to us, we AUTOMATICALLY assume that he or she is ignoring us. – Something happened – What happened? – why is he not getting back to me? – Is she mad at me or something? – More often than not, that has NOTHING to do with us. Maybe this person is at work. In a meeting. With his family. With her friends. In school. Forgot the phone on silent – is in an area with no signal – There are so many other reasons to not getting back to a message right away. And when that person finally gets to the phone and sees desperation happening, it will be a huge turn off. Do everything within your power to not over reach. And IF that guy or gal IS indeed ignoring you, you’ll ultimately figure that out, and shouldn’t be pursuing that person period! You have to respect yourself enough, and know your self worth!
#9 is not backing up your partner when he or she meets with your friends or family. Though what the people you trust are saying may or may not be true about that person, it is your job to give it some thought in private, not in front of others, and most certainly not at the expense of somebody else. If you watched last week’s video about dealing with depression, you probably remember that I mentioned this girl that was like a sister to me, but when I was going through my divorce and bankruptcy and was really depressed, she Emailed me saying she no longer wants to be my friend?
What I didn’t have a chance to say then, was that after I pulled out of my depression, I wanted to mend our friendship. In spite of her being unbelievably unsupportive, I couldn’t ignore the fact that we were really close for many years, and while going through the depression, I was a downer. So I wanted to be a big girl, and fix our relationship. So THAT girl, and I say that because even though I did everything I could do to patch our relationship, she really ended up being douchy… Anyway, at that time, I wanted that girl to meet my new boyfriend. So we drove an hour to meet her. By the time we got there, she was already drunk and making a fool of herself, and because she had really liked my ex boyfriend, she started saying really disrespectful and insulting things to my new guy. He would be right in front of her, and she would look at me, cover her mouth, and say things like: “Alex, really? You’re dating THIS guy? What the f***? – like… Hey… HE CAN HEAR YOU!!!
So I cut our meeting short. And guess what?! My boyfriend saw that, and appreciated me for respecting him enough to remove us from that situation. So always respectfully back up your date. Afterwards, you can listen to other people’s feedback, think for yourself and make a decision.
Deal breaker #10 – overly criticizing. Um, no, that’s not actually what happened. No, the correct way to say it is Sesquipedality… etc!
Sure, you can correct your partner on things later down the line, but especially in the beginning, Nobody wants to date their mom or dad.
Now if that person is generally doing or saying things that you don’t like or don’t agree with, you just have to ask yourself if you’ll be ok with living with those things as long as you’ll be with this person. You have to ask yourself this hard question from the very beginning, because come on, we can never CHANGE somebody else, and if you continue being around things you don’t like, you’ll naturally turn into a nag and that will ultimately affect your relationship down the line.
NOW! Keeping it on the ‘dating’ subject, next week in the FASHION & BEAUTY video, I will show you HOW to dress on dates. Show enough to where you’re sexy, but not too much to look slutty, or not enough to look boring. I’ll also make a part deux to this video and have more dating deal breakers lined up that you can avoid and start your new relationships on the right foot.
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This week’s fan shout out goes out to Adriana Contreras. Thank you so much Adriana for your support and kind words, I want you to know that I really appreciate you!!
I love you for watching today, can’t wait to see you soon my friend, please be kind to yourself and all those around you.
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