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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
Hey guys, happy _______ whatever day you’re watching this on! It’s Tuesday today when I’m recording. Ahh (wave hands) anyway! If you’ve watched any of my other videos a HUGE welcome back to you and thank you for supporting this lil series that is my heart and soul. And if you’re watching for the first time – Hi! I’m Alexandra – WELCOME, it’s nice to have you here!
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Today’s video is about relationship sabotaging. And I for one, was very skilled at it. The moment something would be too good, I’d find some way to sabotage that good and turn it into crap.
We’re going to talk about what I believe are top 5 things that we do to sabotage a relationship, why we may do them, and what we can do to prevent us from doing those things. Bottom line is this, if you love the person that you’re with and there’s nobody else you’d rather be with, then you don’t have the luxury of sabotaging the relationship, so this video is GOLD for you!
Let’s dive right into it, shall we? The question is, where do sabotaging thoughts come from? If we understand where these behaviors are coming from, we’re taking the first step in changing them.
Most commonly, they are the result of circumstances and things that happened in our earlier years, that’s when our critical inner thoughts are formed.
So for example, if your parents kept saying that you’re useless and they treated you as such, you may grow up with a very strong belief that you ARE useless. And as a result, when it’s time to take action on something, you may sabotage the situation by thinking “Why even bother?”
My mom was a single working mother, and I was essentially the result of my dad cheating. My mom had no idea he had a whole separate family, but in a nutshell, I grew up heavily distrusting men. And that in turn, manifested itself into my sabotaging relationships, without even knowing it, because naturally, it would only be a matter of time before he cheats and I’ll have to end it anyway. No one intentionally teaches us to sabotage our relationships, but indirectly, everything that happened in our earlier years, will be the cause of sabotaging as adults.
There’s nothing that we can do to change the past, but what we can do, NOW, is figure out why we do what we do, and what we can do to modify that behavior.
Some other sabotaging reasons are: Low self-esteem and feeling unworthy of something, say… a good relationship.
Destructive thrill chasing is another one. And that’s been one of my personal sabotage reasons. Like, everything would be perfectly fine in the relationship, sunny skies and smooth sailing, when out of the blue, bitch would flip a lid and I’d start being weird and picking up fights. More often than not, when you do that often, like I did, it’s usually because in this transfer of emotions, you find some form of a relief from the past.
The belief that something’s “too good to last”, will also sabotage the hell out of the relationship.
The familiarity with failure could be another reason… that’s when we may be so used to relationships not working out, our sabotage fundamentally comes as an assistant in speeding up the process. “Let’s just get it over with!”
Another VERY common reason for sabotage, comes as the result of some form of disappointment – most commonly from the disappointment that our partner didn’t somehow fulfill a standard we had in our mind.
So I want to start with that – the #1 sabotage we do in a relationship -in my opinion- is to have unrealistic expectations.
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
We live in a pop culture that’s constantly encouraging some very high expectations. We also use the choreographed lives of other people as a compass to guide our own, without any first hand, relevant proof that what we’re seeing in magazines or on instagram is the actual truth. Yet we take that filtered truth that some clever PR person crafted, and want it for ourselves.
I agree that having expectations is absolutely necessary, but it seems to me that the line between necessary and unrealistic has somehow blurred over the years, and I do think that this is one of the most substantial reasons behind the exceedingly high rates of divorce.
General expectations are healthy for a relationship – like monogamy in a monogamous relationship, that’s a basic expectation. Expecting to be treated with respect is a basic need. But extremely high expectations, are not only unrealistic, they’re unfair to the other person.
We expect that person to know what we want, what we like, how we like it and when we like it. We expect them to somehow know exactly what’s in our hearts and minds, expect them to accurately read our face and body gestures, and essentially be clairvoyants, because no two people think, want, do, act, like and handle things identically. That especially happens when we have a lot in common with the other person; we somehow think that we’re so similar, they should know what we’re thinking and what they should do. So when they don’t, we’re completely startled and disappointed. Well… he’s a f*@%*^$ douchelord and he obviously doesn’t love me.
I could go on and on this topic because I’m so guilty of this and I have so much to say about it, but I don’t want to beat a dead horse, so let’s just settle on measuring our expectations and staying within realistic margins. The only thing you do when you expect others to live in YOUR truth, is inflict more pain upon yourself.
So ask yourself what your expectations are. Here you can either revisit and modify old thoughts, or simply create new ones. Some of the expectations I have of my husband are: to be loyal to me in mind and body, I expect him to be truthful, to treat me with respect and to follow through with the things he’s saying when he says he’ll do something. I expect him to talk kindly about me to other people, surprise me with something romantic once every other month, and take me out on a date once a week. That’s just what enables me to continue doing MY best in the relationship. Some of them are basic relationship things, and others are things realistic for the both of us and to our lifestyle, does that make sense? He’s fully aware of these standards and I am fully aware of his.
If you don’t really know what your current expectations are, start by keeping a pulse on your relationship. He didn’t buy you roses in over a month and that pissed you off, you can safely assume that expecting flowers every month or some act showcasing his or her love for you, might just be one of your subconscious expectations. And you should vocalize that or the other person won’t know it as a fact.
I’m probably going to get a lot of hate for what I’m about to say, but I’ll say it anyway, because we’re all entitled to our own opinions, and I’ve been in a long list of relationships with high expectations that didn’t work, so I speak from experience. I know what I’m capable of in a situation, so I take what I know I can do, which is up here (put hand high) and bring it down a notch or 2, depending on the circumstance, and THAT’S what I expect. I expect lower than what I can give. And you know what? 9 out of 10 times I’m pleasantly surprised and satisfied. And the leftover feelings when I’m let down, are not present so much. So when they do come up, I get a real audience out of him, as opposed to getting tuned out because oh my god, here she goes bitching again.
Now I have to be honest. I’m a woman, so I get crazy. And what I’ve noticed is a tendency to sometimes forget when my man does something nice that fulfills my standard. He could have done something thoughtful for me last week, but I forgot about it, and now in my mind I’m feeling like its been months since he did anything for me, “I feel so neglected!”…
And then of course I start a fight, because in my heart I feel unsatisfied. And drop the bomb I just crafted in my head with it’s been so long, blah, blah, blah… And then he’ll go – babe, what are you talking about, I did this for you just last week end. And then in my head I’m like OH.. Forgot about that. Damn it now my whole argument is bad!!!!
I’m willing to bet that I’m not the only one doing this. So I’m going to share with you, a tip that has been a lifesaver for me many, many times. Here’s what I do, ok? I have a note in my phone, where I write the month and date, and what he did for me that day, that I loved. And in my alone time, as I’m pissed at something and my mind tends to exaggerate and cook up a shit storm, before I say anything to him, I want to build a reasonable, solid argument, so I look at my notes to make sure I didn’t miss anything. And sure enough, more times than not, the crazy in me gets a muzzle on, because guess what? I forgot some stuff. He he he. And now I’m just a fool in private, and not in front of him.
That’s just a little something that I do and helps so much!
The fact is that we all think we’re perfectionists and give our relationships our all. But we hold ourselves on such high horses, we are actually unaware of how many times we miss the mark. Yet we are so overly critical and analytical of the other person… you need the needle in the haystack? Honey, no problem, I found it!
I’m sorry, but in setting unrealistic expectations, you are guaranteeing yourself disappointment and you will sabotage the relationship.
So figure out your standards, make sure they’re realistic for both you your partner, and make adjustments if need be. And always make sure that you partner is fully aware of what you’re expecting.
Now… the second way you can sabotage the relationship is with passive-aggressive behavior. In other words, not saying what you’re truly thinking or feeling. For example, you were hoping he’d do a certain something, and he didn’t. And you felt let down. You didn’t say anything about it, but now you’re not really talking to him, you don’t really care to cuddle, you give him the cold shoulder, or worse (and this is something I still do every now and then) – have an outburst of anger.
Do you remember how parents and teachers used to tell us: “Use your words”?
Because as little kids, when we got mad, or disappointed, the first reaction we had was to lash out and throw a fit. That external action is simply the physical result of an internal thought, that then generated an internalized feeling. And since that feeling wasn’t dealt with, we’re now creating chain reactions in the physical life.
So the other person let you down. In their minds, they probably A) didn’t know you were expecting something to begin with, B) had no idea that was something you even wanted, or wanted it right now, C) that’s not something that speaks to them so doing that certain something for you didn’t cross their mind or D) E) F), Z) there could be so many reasons as to why a partner could let you down, that don’t involve lack of love or intention. But your reaction of going from hot to cold without warning, now has them weirded out, walking on eggshells.
And walking on eggshells, and always looking over your shoulder, like oh my god, did I do something wrong? Is no way to live! And ultimately, that person will get sick of it and congratulations, you’ve successfully sabotaged your relationship because it’s going down in flames baby!!
So here’s what you could do: Whenever you find yourself in a situation where you’re let down, before saying anything to your partner or taking any action of any sort, like the cold shoulder you gotta take a hot second away, and in the privacy of your own thoughts, ask yourself this:
– How do I feel? Then answer that question.
– Why am I disappointed?
– Was what I expected realistic?
– Was I clear enough that I’m expecting ____ X ____ today?
– Did my partner have sufficient information directly from me, to make the better choice?
Then quickly go over your answers. This process takes like 2 minutes, but during the exercise you’ll start calming down, and you’ll be asking yourself questions that stimulate logical thinking, so you won’t be driven by irrational feelings. And then you’ll be ready to better articulate your thoughts and feelings, and express to your partner how you feel and why, and how you think things could have been done differently.
When 2 people from different families, different backgrounds, upbringing and lifestyles, when they come together, there will inevitably be differences in communication. But rather than sabotaging the relationship and allowing that difference to generate a conflict, you should use your adult skills of communication and navigate through it. To the best extent that you can. And even if in general, you’re having a hard time finding your words or struggle with saying what’s on your mind, don’t avoid this; use all the opportunities to grow bolder and more outspoken. Time and repetition are the best teachers of them all. But you have to do it, otherwise, all those internalized feelings, will lead to passive-aggressive behavior and/or bursts of anger. And THAT is definitely sabotaging your relationship!
At #3 we have Overanalyzing.
And I for one, live in a glass house on this one, so I’m not casting any stones. Typically, if we’re confident in something, we stand on a firm ground. But if we have doubts about something, than anything anybody says or does, is subject to scrutiny.
We start looking at any clue we can find, and try to figure out its meaning. We pick apart calls and texts, memories of things said or done in the past, and make up in our heads, different scenarios. We pick one, then casually start obsessing about it, allowing it to consume every inch of available time and space.
I found in my own personal experiences, that more often than not, the meaning I give something in my head is not only different from its real significance, it’s actually worlds apart.
Even if you are a secure person, overanalyzing will inevitably lead to doubts and insecurity.
It is not your job to play detective. Your job – if you want to live a good life – is to live it. Just live it. Do that, by taking for face value what people tell you and stop trying to make something out of everything. Don’t ignore your gut feelings, but don’t go overboard either. You have an unsettling feeling? Ask the question. If you’re unsatisfied with the answer, ask again but in a different way. If you’re still unsatisfied, say you’re unsatisfied. But don’t do that passive-aggressive stuff then turn into an emotional detective in search of answers because that will drive you nuts. Your self esteem will be damaged as a result, and your relationship will suffer.
Practicing awareness will help you catch yourself in moments when your thoughts start spinning out of control and you begin overanalyzing. At first, you may only catch the thoughts after they’ve already triggered feelings within you, but in time and through practice, you’ll get so good at it, one little thought tries sneaking by you, you’ll take that bastard to the cleaners. Meditation helps a lot with strengthening our awareness fyi, so try a couple of minutes of silence and meditation every day. I like using this app called brain wave.
— see video for app demo, details and link.
Another way to sabotage the relationship is by being overly critical of your partner.
When we want to create an environment that nurtures intimacy, we have to try to avoid criticizing the other person. That is especially hard for somebody that’s grown up with critical parents, because being critical, IS what we know.
John Mordecai Gottman is a professor emeritus in psychology known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis through direct scientific observations. – via Wikepidia – Mouth full. And criticism is the first of professor Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.
There’s a clear difference between feedback, or a complaint, and criticism. Criticism is controlling, it focuses only on what’s wrong, and implies the worst about the other’s personality. It implies blame, and devalues the other person, whereas feedback focuses on and encourages improvement, with emphasis on the future. So when we want our partner to do something different, in a way that pleases us, feedback will accomplish that. Criticism will only drive a bigger wedge between you two. And nobody likes being criticized. Read more about Criticism vs. Feedback, on Psychology Today, here.
As you navigate through your relationship, it’s bound for your partner to occasionally fall short of your ideal in some way, even if your standards have been adjusted. That’s just life. If that ‘oh crap’ radar goes off, retrace the steps we just talked about previously.
But even when you master those points however, there will be times when you simply get PISSED, and no amount of adjusting, rationalizing or question asking is gonna help you get over it. When you find yourself in that moment, and you say outloud your peace, keep in mind that being criticized doesn’t feel good. Even if out of anger, you want to hurt the other person. That will cause more harm, possibly irreparable damage.
You CAN say your peace without really bringing the other person down, and here’s an example: John, I can’t believe you did that, after I’ve said that I find it disrespectful. Why did you do it? Wait for the answer and say I’m going to say this again, and please remember that I don’t like that. I would have rather you do ____ X, Y, Z. Whatever that may be.
The criticism sounds like this: John, I can’t believe you did that, after I’ve said that I find it disrespectful. Are you an idiot? Did you stop thinking? Etc. etc.
You see the difference.
What’s even worse? Is having that kind of talk in public. I’ve seen so many people talking down and criticizing their partners in front of other people. That’s shameful and SO NOT SEXY! And you know what? You are sabotaging the relationship because nobody likes being scrutinized like that, and do that a couple of times, and you’ll see that person walking out the door.
The most important thing when you get pissed off … note I said WHEN not IF; because it will happen. So WHEN that happens, the most important thing you have to keep in mind is that you need to censor yourself as much as you can, if you want the relationship to last. Do your BEST to keep under control the amount of bad words and the tone of your voice as the conversation progresses. When you’re angry, even feedback can come off as criticism.
I found in my personal life that for me at least anyway, it’s best when I say things like “You know, I’m so fucking pissed right now, I need a moment to calm down, so I don’t say something I can’t take back.” So I take my hot second, yell and say everything I need to say in my head, and then when I calm down, I come out of the room and handle it more logically. I’m a very tough love kind of person, so this has been especially hard for me. But things started changing the moment I realized that criticism often starts the negative process of failed communication that evolves into a troubled
partnership, so be aware of that as it will sabotage your relationship.
The 5th sabotage I wanted to talk to you about is dropping your life for your partner. Yes, I said it!
This is such a common occurrence, I think that at some point we’ve all done it.
It’s a trap. It’s a sabotage. Picture paint this – you meet a guy, you get smitten fairly quickly, you date him for a month or so and suddenly, he becomes the focal point of your life. You wake up thinking of him and wondering what he’s doing, you plan all day what you’ll wear at night when you 2 will hang out, you start ditching your friends and skipping exercise classes for him…. I bet that if you haven’t done that in your life, you at least know or have known somebody doing that. That’s how common this is. I’ve done it, and I know many, many ladies that have done (or are doing that).
The reason it’s sabotage, is because you’re changing your persona. You’re changing the overall package that he or she was attracted to. At first, being somebody’s everything might sound… I don’t know… cute… maybe… but it becomes very overwhelming, very quickly. Nobody truly enjoys being somebody’s everything. It’s too much responsibility, and somebody doing their own stuff is sexy, not somebody at your backing call, living and breathing you and being with you, and you can’t expect your partner to be as attracted and interested in you by abandoning who you are.
Not only that, but you ultimately start placing too much pressure on the relationship, giving somebody else too much power over your happiness. And I don’t care if it’s your mother, brother, husband or best friend – NOBODY should ever hold the keys to your happiness, ever! That will skew the standards you have of the relationship, encourage the passive-aggressive behavior we talked about, criticism is more likely to happen, it’s just a mess and your relationship sabotaged.
The idea bere is to never allow yourself to stop being who you were and what you were doing before the relationship. Life is all about balance.
In essence, it’s our job to figure out what kind of sabotaging we do in our relationship. I gave you several ideas in this video alone. 9 more have been emailed in the newsletter that went out to my subscribers. If you’re signed up for the email on my website, you already got it. If not, the link is below. Sign up and I’ll send you the link to some content you may have missed out on since I started making videos again.
The punch line is that we have to identify the type of sabotaging that we do. In the process of modifying that behavior, and I gave you some ideas on how to do that, you must also start attacking the source of the behavior. Behavior alterations alone won’t make the problem go away, it will merely be a form of coping. But the problem will always be there.
So ask yourself: When did you first start acting this way? Try to trace back to the roots and identify the triggers. Let your emotions and how you feel about a certain memory guide you. Bottom line is that we have to heal the past and develop a healthier self image, and that’s what I’m dedicating myself to doing through this video series. And even though I’ve just started making videos, I have made a couple on some pretty powerful subjects, like how to let go of guilt and 2 videos on how to deal with depression. If guilt and depression are causes for you, watch those videos, and start the work. If you haven’t found a video pertaining to your triggers, leave me a comment below and tell me what you’d like me to make a video on in the future. Anything is possible!
Comment below with other things you think sabotage relationships, please LIKE and subscribe, and catch next week’s Fashion & Beauty video, where I’m going to share with you some beauty treatments that you can very easily make in your own home.
Till then though, let’s stay in touch on social media.
I’d also like to give this week’s fan shout out to Nel Orravan THANK YOU Nel for watching my videos and liking and engaging on my Facebook page! This shout out is for you!
I love you all and thank you for watching, I look forward to your feedback and I’ll see your beautiful screen next week. (Peace).
“A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end.”
