Hello my friend, Alexandra here! Welcome to video #1. The first video EVER in my blog series that will cover PERSONAL GROWTH, RELATIONSHIPS & SEX, FASHION & BEAUTY, CAREER & MONEY.
If you see this for the first time, there’s a link below to a short intro vid that will explain how this weekly series will work. Check it out, and then come back and get started.
I’m taking questions on everything that we talk about, so please ask away in a comment below, on my Facebook page, or on Twitter & Instagram using #askalexandra. All the links to my social communities are below.
Now remember to get your journal ready. If you don’t know what that is, the intro video I mentioned earlier will explain that as well.
Now, onto today’s Personal Growth topic: HOW TO LET GO OF GUILT. Why is it so important to let go of guilt? Well, that’s because like the past, it’s haunting. It holds you back. It’s this unnecessary weight that doesn’t allow you to be the best YOU possible. It affects your self-esteem, it limits your capabilities and opportunities, and the way to interact with others. And all of this in return manifests itself into more bad decisions, unhappiness, shitty experiences, and everything else you probably… like me… have gone through.
For years I spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours searching for valuable advice and to my surprise, so much information I've out there, was written by folks who mostly talked about how guilt makes you feel than giving out solutions on how to fix my problem. Yeah, I know how it feels. It sucks, and that’s why I’m looking to get rid of it. And so, I had to figure out how to do that myself.
With that said… I wish I could jump into your skin and do the work for you but I can’t. I hate to tell you this, but there is NO quick fix. You can’t wish yourself free of guilt. You have days, months, if not years of priming guilt-brick after guilt-brick and now you have a freakin’ 12 story building of guilt and resentment toward yourself, it will take a little work to tear it down. So, you have to do the work. But if you do it, I can promise you that you will see results. And if you continue practicing it, you will be something else let me tell you.
So, if that sounds good to you, get ready to take lots of notes, and let’s dive right into it! First things first.
Step #1:
We need to know WHAT we need to nip in the butt. There’s not a one guilt fits all. So you need to figure out YOURS. What do you feel guilt over? And what I want you to do here is list it all!!! Be in a space that enables you the time and silence to sort through your thoughts and feelings. Think really hard, and go back from the beginning.
The first memories that cause you guilt. Don’t leave anything out.mWhat do you feel even the tiny-tiniest feeling of guilt over? A friend that you never apologized to? A marriage that ended up in divorce? An opportunity that you didn’t take for your kids? A business venture you said no to, and now live to regret it?
Think about it really hard, and list it all. One of my biggest regrets has to do with my dad. He wasn't around much, but he was my dad none the less. When I came to America, I came by myself. And I didn't feel like I had the luxury of taking it easy. I had to work really hard. And not just for myself. I had the responsibility of supporting my mom, making sure my dad, grandma, family, all of them, have what they need. So I would work at my job till midnight at times, get home at 1, get into bed by 2, wake up at 6 to be back in the office at 7, and I got so caught up in work, I only had “time” to call my mom once a week.
And every time she would tell me every time. Call your dad, he wants to hear from you. Please call your dad, it’s been weeks. Please call your dad, he just wants to hear your voice. And every time I was like “yeah, I’ll call mom, I’ll call”. And I didn’t.
And then one day, out nowhere, he passed away of an aneurism. And I never got to hear his voice again, and he died without hearing mine. So, as you can imagine, I lived with the guilt of feeling like such a bad person. Was I really that busy I couldn’t even take 5 minutes to say hello? For almost a decade, I just couldn’t forgive myself. I seeked so much help i was blue in the face and once I realized I was not finding a solution that would fit me, I created my own. I took the steps that I’m going giving you today.
So finish step #1 and list all the things you feel guilt over. Do not leave anything out, even if it seems insignificant. And when you list them, do it in a very short sentence like – guilt for not calling my dad before he passed away. You see what I’m saying?
At all cost, stay away from using any judgment. I’m not saying: guilt for being such a bad daughter, I never called my dad. Don’t talk to yourself like that. Write it down very logically.
Step #2:
Now that you have identified and listed all the reasons causing you guilt, you’ll need to prioritize them. You’ll need to address each and every one of them. but why start fixing the guilt for not buying your kid the $100 toy he wanted, when you could fix the guilt of broken marriage. Does that make sense? Big monsters first. You’ll need to put the big, heavy stuff up at the top, and the smaller stuff at the bottom. How can you tell which one’s heavier than the other? By the way it makes you feel.
Assign a 1 though 10 number that represents the level of pain that you feel as you think of that moment that’s causing you the guilt. 10 is the most painful and 1 – it’s not that bad. Read what you wrote, take a moment, and figure out how each one makes you feel. And put the number next to it. If 2 or more have the same number, that’s fine. Prioritize by which you’d like to get rid of first.
Now that you’re organized, and you have all the guilt sources right in front you, listed by priority, you feel better already. You know you’re about to have a break through, you're closer than ever before, and it’s starting to feel REALLY good.
So take the #1 guilt you want to heal and on a piece of paper, write it down. Write down that #1 guilt reason. This is what we’re about to focus on.
The part that will be hard in this, is that you’ll have to go back through that mental clutter you’ve tried burying. You’ll have to paint the clear picture of what happened. What was the string of events that is now causing you guilt? Before you can heal, you have to be very secure in your story and not leave anything to doubt. There’s no I’m pretty sure this happened, it’s only I’m absolutely sure it happened this way. So without writing a novel, bullet point what happened. Don’t leave anything out, and don’t be afraid to face the emotions.
Once you have everything clear as day, you’ll need to start the healing work by taking Step #3. And that’s asking yourself this.
And say it however it makes sense to YOU. But ask yourself this: Did I have sufficient information about the situation that's now causing me guilt, before I got into it? Let me explain this question with an example.
I was 19 years old when I got married. I know, I was really young! But I was in love… And before getting married, my ex husband and I would go out to a dinner, he’d have a drink, like normal people do, go to the movies… Normal couple-y stuff. A little bit into our marriage, he picked up the bottle. And then he found the whole box of wine. And then every night he would go to bed drunk. Then drunkenness turned into all sorts of different problems.
So after 2 years of that, I left. It was absolutely the best thing to do for myself, but I felt so guilty over it.
I felt like a quitter. Have I really tried hard enough? Did I give up too easily? Here's why I want you to ask yourself Did I have enough information about the situation, before I got into it: I felt guilt because I left my marriage. Right? But I was married to man with a vicious problem. The man I chose to marry, was a normal guy, not a guy with an addiction who was refusing help. The information I had at the time I entered into the situation that caused the guilt (aka the marriage), was completely different. If I would have had the knowledge that he was an alcoholic, or going to turn into one, I never would have married him, and there never would have been a divorce to feel guilty about. Does that make sense?
Did I have sufficient information about the situation, before I got into it? Write down the question, think about it really hard, apply it to your circumstance, take your time and cover this from all angles. And then answer the question with a simple YES or NO. There’s no MAYBE in this process. Be honest to yourself. Nobody will see this but YOU. Nobody will judge you.
Now, ask yourself this second question: Given the access to information that I had at that time, were there any other options available to me?
Example: I was fresh off the boat, less than 2 years in America, I didn’t know about ‘Interventions’ and AA. There’s no such thing in Romania where I’m from. I was really young and he was 15 years older and quite intimidating, so, sincerely, I had limited knowledge about how to fix this. I didn’t know how to deal with an alcoholic, and I was so scared every time I had to approach him about it. And he wasn’t listening to anyone else either.
So think about it, and ask yourself: Given the access to information I had at that time, were there any other options available to me? Again, assign a simple YES I had all the access to information as I possible could have, or NO, I didn’t or didn’t have enough.
Lastly, Question #3: Given the emotional state I was in at that time, were there any other options available to me? You have to remember. When you’re emotionally vulnerable, your view of solutions is rather limited. You’re living in such a narrow place of fear and craziness, you see things like this (put visors on to the sides like a horse).
Given the emotional state you were in at the time (be it fear, depression, insecurity, high stress, etc), would you have been able to see and take, a logical path; one better, than the one that you took? Was your mind clear and capable enough to make the better decision? Then put a YES or a NO next to it. Make sure that you are Really comfortable and secure in your answers. And trust me when I say take your time, you want to do this right the First time!
And remember, this is not justifying past bad decisions. It’s simply a logical approach to a healing process.
So now. You answered the 3 questions, and I’d like for you to take a look at your answers. One thing I want to mention to anybody that answered NO to question #3 – What’s very important to acknowledge here is that the best choices are made with a clear head, would you agree?
Do you agree that when you’re angry you can say things that you don’t mean? Why’s that? It’s because your judgment is clouded. When you are in a state of emotional distress you can have all the access to information possible, that still won’t help you think clearly. It’s not a normal state of being. The situation you were in, placed you in a state of emotional distress. And nothing that anybody could have said or done, would have helped you. Nothing would have helped, because you didn’t have all of YOU. Please realize that emotional distress is chronic, and you’re not immune to it. It’s a place of such darkness, no rational, light-filled decisions can be made from there. A mind cluttered with darkness cannot possibly do the right thing. It’s just how it is.
I wanted you to answer those questions in order to understand that there are deeper roots to your actions. All that we tend to see is the surface, the end result to our actions. And in the case of guilt, we only see what we did wrong. But what we have to understand, is that our actions, are a product of many things. From our state of mind, to our environment and its changes, past experiences, etc. Does that make sense? Don’t be so quick to judge yourself.
Now it's time to move to the solutions part of this video and start with the first act of healing, (how I like to call it) and that is to Cry out from your sadness. If you think that sounds corny or crazy, you have to get over it! Guilt isn’t making your life hard because you’re so fucking breezy about your problems. I mean it. Let everything that you’ve been hanging on to, out. Crying does not make you vulnerable. It does not make you less of a person. You have baggage you have get rid of, and to do so, you have to get over this hump. You will get over this hump the moment you stop bottling up your feelings.
Feel that feeling of pain that you have. This is the moment to allow yourself to feel sad, feel sorry for yourself. It’s OK! Allow yourself to be humbled and go through the pain. You feel you fucked up, this is your time to really regret it and get it out of the way. No more hiding from it. Make sure that nobody can hear you, so you don’t feel self conscious or weird about it. You need this uncensored time to connect with that felling that is causing you guilt. And in that state of mind you will be far more open to healing.
If your guilt comes from something not so heart-wrenching, you can skip this step. But make sure before you skip it that you’re not doing it just because you think this would be stupid. Make absolute sure that there’s nothing deeper than what appears on the surface.
The second act of healing, is to formally Apologize. In writing. It’s very important to do it in writing, because when you write, you give your thoughts some additional time to properly put themselves together. You’re now in that state, you’ve cried, connected to the source of pain, so you’ll have the perfect opening to be vulnerable and honest, and humble.
If you didn’t wrong anybody but yourself, you can skip this step and go to the next one. But if you feel you did somebody else wrong, then write this apology to the person you feel you’ve wronged, and write down the uncensored truth. If you didn’t have the emotional strength, say it.
Write down that you were emotionally unable to do better even though you wanted to. Apologize for not having been stronger at that time. If you were strong, but you didn’t have enough information, say it. If you had it all, admit you did wrong. You weren’t perfect. Admit that you’ve lived with the guilt for however long. Apologize and ask for forgiveness. Mention that you are now ready to let go of the agony that has affected your life for so long, and forgive yourself.
I wouldn’t necessarily recommend sending the letter to the recipient since that can re-open the can of worms you’re trying to close, but if that will make you feel better, you can do it. Just send it as is. Don’t double check, proofread and edit. Being raw, and truthful, and in that emotion is part of the healing. If you’d rather not send it, write the letter, then in a safe place, burn it entirely. And look at it.
This is the moment when your apology is released into the universe. As you see it turn to ashes, feel yourself surrendering everything that held you back. Feel your wrong doing released. Lifted. Your message is now filling the air, and it will be delivered.
Once you’ve sent out or burned your message, the third act of healing is to write down on a separate paper, HOW the guilt has affected your life, your relationships, your state of mind and overall life. What has the guilt done to you? Think about it really hard. Write it all down and after you’re done. Look at it. If only one thing is on that list, it’s too much. It’s proof that your life was affected by guilt. Haven’t you had enough?
With those things outlined, I’d like for you to start writing a letter of forgiveness to yourself. Because you’ve been really shitty to yourself. Beating yourself up for so long, living a life with limitations, for something you can’t even go back in time and change. You might look at me and think that’s weird. But then that tells me you don’t think your guilt is that big, or you don’t think letting go of it is that important. You don’t think that guilt has affected you long and hard enough and you'd like to baby it a while longer.
So I ask you: Do You have less value than anybody else? When you wrong somebody do you say I’m sorry? Why wouldn’t YOU be good enough to apologize to? Because in guilt, you’ve hurt yourself tenfold what you might have hurt the other person.
So we need to get to writing. In this letter, I want you to address yourself by your name. Write down how guilt has affected your life. And now you know those things, because you’ve just written them down a second ago.
I am so sorry for having punished myself for so long. I am so sorry for having treated myself so badly for all this time. I’m sorry that I kept myself away from happiness because I didn’t think I deserved it.mI’m sorry I deprived myself of peace. I am so sorry that after all this time, I still don’t trust in myself fully. I’m sorry I’ve allowed this guilt to develop insecurities that are affecting my relationships and my life.
Get it off your chest. Say you’re sorry for everything you’ve put yourself through. For all the ways your life has been affected as a result of having that guilt.
Also very important here is to write in a separate paragraph, what you’ve LEARNED from this. And how will you handle a similar situation in the future, if faced with it? What will you do? I’d also like for you to write this portion down in your journal as well, in the Accountability tab if it’s appropriate, as a way to keep yourself accountable in the future.
In the fourth act of healing I’d like for you to fold the apology letter you wrote to yourself, set it aside and start writing down HOW you will feel without the guilt. How will your life be like? Who will you be, without the burden you’re carrying? What will you have? What will you do? Will your relationships improve? Will you have more success at work?
As you’re writing these things down, feel that feeling of happiness, of living a life that’s liberated. Get excited about the wonderful things that can be accessible to you now. And while you’re in that feeling of happiness, take all 3 papers- what guilt has done to you, your apology and the how you’ll feel without guilt, and go in a safe place, and burn them.
As you’re watching them turn to ashes, I want you to think about how you’ve done your time. Every second that you spent with guilt means that you have done your time. You’ve punished yourself for long enough, and now it’s time to move on.
It’s time to forgive yourself. It’s time to live the life you’ve always wanted. To feel the happiness of finally being free. Feel that happiness you’ve deprived yourself of! Think about how much better life will be as of right now! Everybody deserves a second chance, we were not born perfect and holy. YOU deserve that second chance, and it is now time to take it.
And by taking all of these steps, you will be able to move on and leave behind everything that's been holding you back as a result of guilt. If you want, as a reinforcer, list all the reasons why you deserve a second chance. You’re not any different than me, or anybody else. Why NOT you? Why can’t YOU be forgiven? What’s so BAD about you that’s so much worse than everybody else?
Nothing!!! My friend, it is time to move on.
If you need to go through the same process over again for the same guilt, that is totally fine. You might discover new things the second or third time around. In some instances, I had to do this 4 times before letting go of some of my guilts, that’s how deep and stubborn some of them were. But I did it. And honestly, it has changed my life.
A tip here is to plan a day when you can be alone and do this. Plan a day when you can be all by yourself in the house for at least 4 hours. Use a sick day, have somebody help with babysitting, tell your spouse you really need a day to yourself. Whatever it is, give yourself enough time. If you feel rushed, it’s not going to be as impactful.
And once you’re done with the #1 guilt, but only after you feel you’ve conquered it and let go of it, you can move on to #2. Remember not to rush through this. Your life is not a gamble, you’re not at the races. Deal with one guilt at a time, so you dedicate all the intensity and all the power of healing into one funnel, and not all over the place and miss the mark.
Then follow the same steps for guilt #3, and 4, and trust me, you’ll slowly be able to clear guilt from your life, and start living a better life. I know this works. It Can work for you too.
So. That’s it for video #1 what did you think? I'd like to hear your feedback. In the next video coming out next week, we’ll talk about RELATIONSHIPS & SEX. Specifically how to become the most perfect partner YOU can be.
It’s going to be so amazing, you don’t want to miss this out.
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