Transcript: Relationship Q&A + My FAV Dating Exercise

Welcome! This is a video transcript. To head to the blog page of this video, please see here or check out the video below.

Welcome to a new video my loves! This week we’re talking Relationships and I’m going to do something a little different.

You see I’ve been getting a lot of comments and messages asking for relationship advice. And not just with a significant other, but questions about friendships, work relationships, etc.  You know I always say that I’m not an expert by any means, I’ve just been through a lot in life and in relationships, so I really appreciate when you guys care about what I have to say, enough to ask for my advice. That means so much to me, and I take that very seriously so I always try to get back to as many questions as possible.

Now, as I have whopping 4 months under my belt of doing this new video series, I started noticing some trends in the questions and so I took some of the most popular ones that I get asked quite frequently and decided to share the answers in a more public forum, so maybe if you had one of these questions, I can reach you more directly.

I also have a new giveaway announcement to make and I’ll make it now, to switch things up from the videos that ask you to keep watching to find out what’s up. I’ll tell you what’s up now and if you choose to continue reading or subbing, I’d love and appreciate that, especially since I’m trying to grow our community.

So Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 10th and if you’d like to win not one, but TWO $100 gift cards to Amazon.com to get anything you want, then come back and watch the Career & Money video that’s launching on Thursday April 23rd because that’s the giveaway launch day. It will last only one week, it’s International and I can tell you that it’s going to be really easy to enter. That’s all!

 

So the first most common question I get is: How can I tell if I guy likes me?
The first thing I recommend is to really stop thinking about it. What will happen is that we’ll think of one detail that makes you believe he’s into you, then another detail that casts a shadow of doubt. All this back and forth will drive you nuts, it will stir up insecurities you really don’t need, and overall complicates something that shouldn’t be this complicated.

In my opinion, if you’re struggling back and forth with this question, your best bet will be to assume that he does like you and on your end, you should GIVE him opportunities to make a move. Be patient though, because things almost never happen as fast as we want them to, and if he doesn’t go for the obvious signs you put out there, don’t be afraid to ask him out and see what he says.

 

Which is a PERFECT lead into the next question
Should a woman pursue a man?
YES!
I saw Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker on Watch What Happens live a couple of weeks ago and she was very heated about the topic, saying it’s a complete mistake for a woman to pursue a man. This is where I have to disagree. I was the one that originally made the move on my now HUSBAND. So I say – go for it. If you feel that you’ve already dropped several hints that in your mind are obvious, don’t assume he’s not interested. He could be totally oblivious. So ask if he’d like to grab a bite to eat. Don’t say sometimes, because that in my opinion still leaves empty room. Say THIS WEEK if it’s Monday or Tuesday, or NEXT WEEK if it’s Friday. Balls get you places! And if he says no, boohoo for a second and then dust your shoulders off, because you’re a strong woman and you can do better, and you can say you’ll never live with the regret of not having tried.

 

Is it ok if my boyfriend still talks to his ex?
No! Ugh, I feel very strongly about this! Unless they share a child or a business together, or the other person just came out, I don’t buy that “let’s stay friends” thing – I’ve tried it several times and each time, at some point, somebody’s feelings get hurt. Not to mention that you never know what mistakes a few too many drinks can lead to. Sorry not sorry! I think that if you know the person you’re dating is still close to an ex, it should be addressed from the beginning, in a calm, not aggressive or threatening tone.

"I respect you and I respect your past, that means everything and everybody that helped shape you into the amazing man (or woman) you are today, a man I have deep feelings for. My life’s experiences have taught me that relationships with exes almost always lead to somebody getting hurt not to mention, open to potential mistakes generated in the heat of the moment or from too many kamikaze shots, you know what I mean? So before moving forward, I was hoping to learn how close of a relationship you have with your ex and if you would have a problem to only meeting or speaking with her when we’re all together." Elaborate on this spiel and take it from there! But if you ask me, there’s no reason to keep a chapter from the past, still open.

 

He didn’t call. Should I reach out? I also get a lot of “He stopped texting , should I reach out?
Yes, but here’s what! It’s one thing to take charge, it’s another to be too… eager for lack of better words.

Texting is a pain in the ass, I don’t like texting and many people don’t either. So what do you do in any or both of these situations? Place a call. Stay cool and give what you’ll say some though BEFORE you start dialing. Personally, if I called and got a voicemail, I’d be like "Hey Jeremiah, it’s Alexandra, I wanted to call see how you’re doing. Hope you’re good [insert – I had a great time with you over dinner] – if you guys went out on a date – give me a call when you get this, I’d love to hear from you." Bloop. You did your part, left no stone unturned, and if you still don’t hear from him, don’t be hung up over 1 person, because you need somebody that will respect you. And playing games is not respectful. Do some squats, take care of your body and mind and forget people that won’t give you the time of day.

 

How can I forgive him after cheating?
Ugh, I have to be honest, I’m the wrong the person to ask this because that’s one my few non-negotiables in a relationship. Is that the answer for everybody and every situation? Maybe not, but I’m the result of my dad cheating on his wife. He lied to his wife and he lied to my mom that he was divorced. So I grew up with the stigma of the cheating man, and I have a sensitivity to it.

He cheats, I walk away and never look back. I’ve done it before. And I don’t believe in staying together for the sake of kids, because no matter how young they may be, kids can smell issues between mommy and daddy, they’re so smart and I personally would rather come from a separation but in the presence of parents that only show me love, as opposed to hearing fights and arguments, and learning that’s ok. That’s just me and before anybody leaves me a mean comment, please remember that we’re all different, our stories are different, so we’re all entitled to our own opinions. And I believe that cheating is NOT ok.

 

How do you walk away from a toxic relationship?
I would say, figure out what’s holding you back and deal with each reason individually.

If the reason is that "I love him". The question is, do I love him more than I respect myself? Maybe I need to work on my self-love and confidence.

"Are monetary reasons keeping me here?" Make a plan that will insure you’ll be ok, start by using some of the tips I’ve shared, I have a whole playlist on Career and Money. Ask for the opinion of trust-worthy friends and family, somebody might have a good idea that could help you.

"We’ve been friends for 20 years." Well… What happens when you stay under somebody’s dark cloud for too long, is that eventually rain will get on you too. So how do you treat a friendship? With respect. The respect of kind honesty and communication. Speak your mind and be prepared for any scenario.  If you’ve already asked your friend how you can help them get through whatever they’re going through, to find happiness and positivity again but nothing’s changed, then you can tell your friend that you’re at a point in your life when you feel easily influenced by the energy around you. That’s a nice way of saying they’re too f'ing negative and you can’t handle it. "I’d like to help you feel better and if you’re willing to do that, and do the work to get there, I’ll be by your side every step of the way. But if not, I love you, but I think maybe we should take a little break to find ourselves again." Be prepared though. Somebody might come to their senses, somebody else might take it personally and the drift won’t be the prettiest. It depends on where that person is in their lives.

I also recommend watching the video about how to not take things personally, so you can practice some of the techniques I shared and not let any part of the conversation get to you. It’s  below for you.

 

Should I have sex on the first date?
As long as you think there’s something there or it’s been a while… I slept with my husband on our second date. I believe it’s a matter of personal choice. We’ve been together 2 months shy of 6 years now and we’re married. So my choice wasn’t that bad I think. I do have to say that we all get passes, but I overall I do believe in being a lady, so I definitely don’t encourage habitual one-night-stands or sleeping on first dates. Just – listen to your gut.

 

I’m torn between two men, what do I do?
I’ve tried so many different things but NOTHING beats the good ol’ pen and paper.

Write down the following categories and leave a couple of lines of space underneath each one:

You have: Emotional, Financial, Mental, Spiritual and Sexual. These are the basic spectrums.

Then, you can write 3 things that matter most to you in each of the categories, as they pertain to a relationship. Here are some examples, some of these are my own. Emotional- the 3 things that matter most to me are random acts of thoughtfulness – that’s opening the door for me, a random call or text saying I love you. If I say I like something, to be surprised with it later on. It could be a chocolate, doesn’t matter, that’s just thoughtfulness. The second thing that matters to me in the Emotional category is touch.

I need my man to hold me in private and public. I want him to hold my hand, grab me by my waste, kiss my forehead. The third thing for me is to be told “I love you” every day. Think about it and then list the 3 things that matter most to you, emotionally.

Financial – you want him to make his own money, or pay whenever you go out for example.

Mental – to be educated, well spoken.

Spiritual – to have a certain religious view or simply allow you to believe in whatever you believe in without guilt or shame.

Sexual – you want that person to be physically attractive, or satisfy you in a specific way, or be sexually loyal to you.

 

So – Write down 3 things that matter MOST to you, in each of these categories.

When I was single, I took all the 15 things I listed and prioritized them. The top 3 were the most important non-negotiable things to me.  And as I went out on a date, I’d use pre-thought-out non-intrusive questions that would help me asses if my date would is compatible and would be able to fulfill my non-negotiables. Does that make sense? This is a JEWEL, a GREAT way to figure out from the first date if the other person is for you or not – so you don’t waste your time, or get involved with someone that might hurt you down the line.

You can do this also if you’re torn between two men. Which one has most of the character traits you are looking for? They’re all down on paper now, so you’ll have more clarity in the decision making.

That should definitely provide you with some clarity!

 

More questions like “How do I get him to marry me?” and "how to make long-distance relationships work" have been addressed in the email I sent out this morning. Enjoy it!

If you’d like to sign up for my email please see at the bottom of this page.

 

Next week is time for the Fashion and Beauty video and I’ll try something new again. I’m nervous about it and I hope it won’t be a total disaster, we’ll just have to see how everything pens out!

Thank you for watching today, please subscribe if you’d like to join me and I will see you on social till next week, because I live on Facebook and Instagram, so we can talk more. Wishing you a lot of success in everything you do, I love you for being here!

 

— kisses —

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ALEXAnism of the Week:

To be beautiful means to be YOUrself. Be whatever kind of beauty YOU want to be. You don’t need to be liked or accepted by others, you just need to like and accept YOUrself.

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