Hello my friend, Alexandra here. I hope that you’re doing great and you’re ready for today’s video.
So far, last week in the Personal Growth video we talked about HOW TO LET GO OF GUILT and I outlined for you several steps that have worked for me in the past, and I really think will work for you too.
Today, in Relationships & Sex, we’ll talk about how to reach YOUR perfect in a relationship. Essentially, how to be the best partner you can be. I’m taking your questions, and below are all the ways you can reach me.
Now, diving into today’s topic… The question I have for you is this:
Have you ever been in a relationship, or are you currently in a relationship where you feel like you are not good enough? Maybe you feel you’re too frumpy too often. Or maybe think that you’re not sexy enough, etc. Something in you that feels Like you’re not good enough.
Not feeling like you’re Good enough is a very powerful burden. It weighs very heavily on your shoulders, and it only brings about more bad news.
The image you have about yourself is belittled, and unfortunately, that reflection is what other people will see of you. There’s a reason why the say confidence shines through. Because it does. If a person is in a good mood, full of confidence, this person walks differently. This person stands more straight, smiles more, provides more inspiration, is more attractive. Take the same person walking in the room a day later burdened, doubtful, tired, insecure…
You don’t need me to keep going, you know this. Insecurities in your relationship, are crippling. That’s why you feel even worse when you know you’re insecure.
You fear your partner will sense that. You fear your partner will find that unattractive. And it’s a vicious cycle. So the work we’ll talk about in more detail today, is how to nip that feeling in the butt.
And to accomplish that, I have 6 steps:
1. Outlining.
2. Prioritizing.
3. Identifying.
4. The Why and How.
5. The Plan.
6. The Reward
So let’s jump in:
#1 – Outlining.
The problems that is. You feel like you’re not good enough. But about what? Feeling like you’re not good enough, is a very broad impression. And a problem can’t be fixed unless we know WHAT it is.
Where do you feel you’re not good enough? Here, I’d like for you to list ALL the things that you feel you’re not measuring up to.
And here’s how I want you to do it:
Draw a table, and separate two columns.
You'll name the column to the left ‘Now’. And the one to the right, title it ‘Perfection’.
Start with the left column for right now, and write down all the things where you feel you’re not good enough.
Leave about 2-3 lines of space in between each one, and don’t stop until you absolutely feel you’ve listed everything.
Some examples are:
* I only have sex with my husband 1/week
* I look like a mess 3/5 days.
You see what I’m saying?
List all the areas where you feel inadequate in your relationship, where you feel you'd like to improve. As silly as it may sound, write it all down. Don’t leave anything out, and give specifics. Don’t say: “my boyfriend and I don’t have sex too often, say we only have sex once a week.” Specifics. And you’ll see why.
#2 – Prioritizing.
I’d like for you to take a look at all your concerns and prioritize them by order of importance.
Which one do you think is most important and needs to be work out RIGHT NOW? Which should follow shortly after? Which one should be 3rd? Etc.
What do you want to fix first? Second? Third? Prioritize your concerns and write the order number right next to it.
#3 – Identifying.
This is the part where we start figuring things out, so it's time to take on the column on the right.
In here, write down where you’d like to be, in order to feel like you ARE good enough. In your mind, I want you think about what is the Perfect solution.
This is why specifics are so important. Because if you said: “my boyfriend and I don’t have sex too often”, what’s too often? But if you say “we only have sex once a week”, it will be easier to identify that perfect number you can put in the right column. Say 2 times a week. Whatever your interpretation of PERFECT is, that’s what I want you to write down.
After you’ve identified your concerns, where you are currently in your every day and where you’d LIKE to be, it’s time to determine if your goals are realistic.
For example:
Is it possible to be a working mom, to get up at 6 every morning, make breakfast, take the kids to school, go to work, not only maintain a job, but do it good too, which sometimes can mean bringing work home, working late, or during the week end. In the same time, be a good parent, a great partner, a sexual dynamite, look like Gisele, stay in shape, age well, cook, clean, do laundry, maintain a social calendar with your friends, and take care of your siblings?
Come on…
Please take a look at each one of these PERFECT WANTS and ask yourself. Is this, realistic to MY situation. To MY lifestyle. If it’s NOT realistic, change that ‘perfect’ number to the perfect realistic number. And then ask yourself:
In light of this new information, will I be satisfied with this revised goal? If yes, you’re well on your way to a happier, more satisfied, and more confident YOU as a partner. If not, you need to understand that setting high goals you’ll consistently miss, will keep you in this rut.
Lowering the bar, doesn’t mean lowering the standards you have for yourself, it means that you’re becoming more realistic, learning to be a happier, more content human being, and actually getting more results.
Next, I’d like for you to think if this ‘perfect’ goal is YOURS or not. We don’t realize how much we allow current events and pop culture and others in general to influence us. You might not necessarily want to do something, but you’ll do it anyway, because he wants it. Or she’s doing it.
So next to each ‘perfect goal’, I’d also like for you to list Mine or My partners, or Someone elses’?
Is that your mom’s goal for you? Think about it. You’re not dating your father. You’re not married to your mother. Your needs and your partner’s needs are the only important needs here, and nobody elses. If you find some goals that belong to other people, you need to cut that expectation down to whatever makes you happy.
You have to be yourself, everyone else is taken. Why would you live a life that doesn’t make YOU happy? Don’t let ANYBODY’s influence take that away from you.
Don’t justify it with things like ‘it’s tradition, that’s how my family has done it. Move on! A truly understanding “somebody else”, even if kicking and screaming, will ultimately respect your decision. If not, God bless! This is YOUR life. And it's a short one.
Now,
If the goal you’re aiming toward belongs to your partner. Ask yourself: Is it something I know for SURE my partner wants, or am I ASSUMING it’s something he/she would like. You may think your partner wants something, but that might not be the case. So ask! A mouth that doesn’t ask, doesn’t get fed. MAKE SURE you know what will make your partner happy and don’t assume.
Before we move on to step #4, please make sure that you have very clearly done the following:
1. Identified and outlined all the areas in your partnership where you feel you’re not good enough.
2. Prioritized. By order of importance, which essentially organizes this list by what you’d like to improve first.
3. You identified your perfection goals.
4. You’ve determined how realistic those ‘goals’ are, and adjusted if necessary.
5. Then figured out if the ‘goals’ are something that YOU truly want, or your partner wants or somebody else wants for you.
And now, step #4 on our list – The Why and How.
I don’t need to say this again, but I will anyway. We are only moving on with the goals that are NOT influenced by anybody outside of you and your partner’s relationship, OK? Great!
Now I'd love for you to ask yourself 2 questions:
Why do I want to make these changes?
and-
How am I going to feel if I accomplish these ‘perfection’ goals?
Think about what this change is going to do for your relationship?
If you want to get out of the sweat pants-hair-bunned up- uniform because you Know your husband likes a woman that’s well put together (and what man doesn’t),
think about how you’ll feel if you are to look more dolled up when he gets home.
How will him seeing you pretty like that more often, do for you and your relationship.?
Do this for all the items on your list.
Why do I want to make these changes?
How am I going to feel if you accomplish these ‘perfection’ goals?
Anytime you're tired, you don't feel like sticking to the plan, or feel like letting go, revisit the answers you've written down, and remind yourself of the potential you have ahead.
After you’re done, we need to get into action mode. And Step #5 The plan – is basically, the solution.
If the goal is to no longer greet your partner in the sloppy house-uniform, the plan could be something along the lines of take 10 minutes before the time you know he’s coming home, hide the dark circles with some concealer, do one quick coat of mascara, dab on some lipstick, let the hair down, and put on a more curve hugging pair of pants or leggings.
If the goal is to be more thoughtful toward your partner, set one,?2 or 3 days, whatever that perfect number of times per week is, when you do something thoughtful like:
send a thinking about you text,
write a romantic 2 liner on a note,
light up some candles and give your partner a 10minute neck rub.
Figure out the solution to accomplish your ‘perfection’ goals. They won’t get themselves done, so YOU have to create the plans. Go down that list by order of priority, and THINK of the solution to achieve your goals. If you don’t feel ‘sexy’ enough, define sexy. Is it slimming down one size? Tweezing more often? Taking better care of your skin? THINK about the plan. You are so incredibly smart and resourceful, trust me- YOU CAN DO IT!
Once the plan is in place, we have to create new habits. And the first step to building a habit, is by doing.
But to do, you have to make sure you don’t forget about doing it.
So- set yourself reminders for the things to do.
I know some people are really going dislike my ‘set a reminder’ step, because it takes the Romance out of it, but let’s be realistic! We live in a time where there’s tons of shit to do, we’re getting pulled in tons of different directions. For example, I know that I get carried away a lot. I run the social media campaigns for multiple clients, I have this video series which demands a lot from me, so I have to make sure that my list of what’s PERFECT is realistic for me.
Some of the things I have on my list are:
Cooking a nice dinner every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Looking fine every time I greet my man with a smile on my face.
Doing all the laundry every Monday,
Running a bath for us once a month, etc.
Things that I feel very comfortable with, and know I can achieve.
So here's how I pull everything off: every Sunday, I look at the upcoming week, and then my goals, and then I blend the two.
Take cooking for instance –
Instead of trying to figure out what to make last minute, not having enough stuff in the house, throwing my hands up in the air and saying screw this, we’re eating hamburger helper tonight, I’ll make the list on Sunday. I look at it and say: Monday I’ll cook X, which will take 40 minutes, so I'll have to start at this time. Tuesday, I’ll cook Y, and that will take 30 minutes, so I'll start cooking at-. And I keep going. When I’m done, I know what I'll be preparing, so I make a list of the groceries needed, get everything in one shot, and not create anymore roadblocks for myself. Then, all I do is set ‘time to cook’ reminders for the week.
If it’s Sex – the plan would be: on this day I’ll put on something sexy, on this day I’ll plan a shower together. On this day, I’ll run a bath for us. And then I set those reminders.
And during the week, at the beginning of the day when I’m looking at my calendar to see what’s going on that day, I know I’ll need to do X. Do Y. And suddenly, the minset changes. I’m excited, because I know by doing all these things, I am really doing my very best. I feel so much better about myself.
People always laugh that my calendar is full of personal reminders. Even things like – tweezer time. Because I get so busy, it’s easy to forget to do it, and then I wake up 5 days later with roots for eyebrows. It’s disgusting. Which of course makes me feel bad about myself, because I’m a slob. But that nonsense stopped for me the moment I took these steps I’m sharing with you.
So, listen, I know this doesn’t sound Romantic, but reality isn’t always romantic. And there’s nothing working better than strategy and order.
You can choose not to listen, think it’s too much work, say forget it! Or… you can choose to start living an Extraordinary life and work your way toward becoming the most perfect partner that you can be!
Lastly, #6 in our plan – The Reward! The best part, don’t you think?
Off the bat, the mental satisfaction will be a reward within it’s self, right, but why stop there?
After 30 days of consistently achieving your goals, I want you to do something for yourself. Take a long bath, Go get a massage, buy a new pair of shoes, whatever it is, just reward yourself with something GREAT within your means! And do the same at the end of each month if you hit your goals weekly.
Before I let you go, one thing I need to advise is this: if you want to give it your best shot, only tackle one, max 2 goals at a time. Otherwise, you will very quickly burn your fuse at both ends, get very tired, give up, and fall into the slump you started from.
So trust me, start with #1 and work at it religiously for weeks, months, however long it takes, till you’re satisfied you’ve developed a strong habit. Once you’re satisfied, and you’re on a roll, and your habit will continue easily, then you can tackle and add a new goal and work your way down the list. Does that make sense? If you want to do it right, you have to have a little patience!
Next week, in the FASHION/BEAUTY video, we’ll talk about Food control. I’m so excited to share my tips with you and if you’re Subscribed to my channel you'll get that video right away. If you haven't joined my website, do so, it's free, and you'll get additional tips and challenges that I post every week.
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I can’t wait to see you soon, I love you for watching today, please be kind to yourself and to all those around you!
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Click here to see HOW TO LET GO OF GUILT -and- Check out the intro video, for Journal details.
